How do we tackle tough times?
J.P. Montalvan • December 19, 2022
“Where do you think you’re going? Nobody’s leaving. Nobody’s walking out on this fun, old-fashioned family Christmas. No, no. We’re all in this together.”
— Clark Griswold (played by Chevy Chase)
photo courtesy of David Zellaby
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If you’ve followed this conversation over the last few weeks, you know we’ve talked about melancholy around the holidays. Why? Because when we slow down for the holidays, we have more time on our hands — and more time in our heads. And what the studies show is that when we're in our heads, we don’t just think about both what's right in our lives. We also think about what’s not so right.
Guess what? If you're thinking about both the good things and the bad right now, you’re on the right track.
Anthony M. Tobia, professor of psychiatry at the Rutgers Robert Wood Johnson Medical School, recently spoke about the science and studies around being our happiest, especially during the holidays. What strategies can help us get more from our holiday get-togethers this month? How do we lead ourselves, our teams, and our families to be our happiest?
“People who get the most from holiday gatherings tend to have two traits, Tobia shared. “First, they intuitively realize there’s good and bad — stuff they like and dislike — in almost everyone and everything. Second, rather than focusing on the negative, they focus on the positive and bring it out in conversation.”
Unless you’re watching Chevy Chase in National Lampoon’s comedy classic “Christmas Vacation,” you’re likely seeing a lot of idyllic visions of the holidays. You're seeing families gathering around a warm fire, people happily opening presents, music and songs spreading cheer everywhere, and the world skating and riding sleighs through a winter wonderland.
And yet our holidays often don’t measure up. “Social media has increased our tendency toward the happiness-destroying habit of comparing ourselves to others…particularly during the holidays,” Tobia reminds us. The holidays can “gives us many more opportunities to wish our real lives measured up with the idealized lives that people present online.” Instead, we may reflect on our faults and failures, grieve the people we’ve loved and lost, and renew old feuds, all leading to stress and conflict.
I recently walked into a room to find one of my really good friends. Instinctively, I said “hi!” and asked how he was. “Shitty,” he said. “It’s been a shitty day.” I said I was sorry to hear that. Rather than ask what happened or try to shift the conversation to a happier subject, I just sat down and stayed quiet.
After an awkward quiet that seemed like it would never end, he switched the subject to what we were going to do next — have a meal together. And rather than steer the conversation, I asked a few questions during our conversation that I thought might allow him to shift his mood in the way he wanted.
“What do you really want to do right now?” I asked. He said that he’d love to open up a bottle of wine and catch up about what had happened in the World Cup games. And that's exactly what we did.
As Tobia says, we were happier because rather than focusing on the negative, we shifted our focus to the positive through questions and conversation.
Here are 5 more powerful questions you might consider using to shift your conversations into the positive, especially this holiday season.
- “What are you looking forward to?”
- “Did you notice that it’s a beautiful day today/relatively quiet right now/comfortable just sitting here right now?”
- “Do you ever wonder what gives you the most peace in life?”
- “Who needs your forgiveness right now?”
- “Who has really been there for you?”
We’re conditioned to think that the best people and leaders are supposed to be “up” all the time — incredibly positive. But the reality is that we’re all going to have our “low” moments. And that's when we can help each other by shifting the conversation.
Wherever you find yourself over the holiday season, I hope your conversations help you and your loved ones find the happy stories in your life and the things that give you the strength to not only be your best but also to help you face the everyday.
Gad was 10 years old when he saw people going door to door, hauling out his neighbors, shooting them and burning down their homes.
Stephen was 7 years old when he was separated from his family, only to find out later that most of his family was murdered.
As a leadership coach, I get to work with a diverse range of entrepreneurs and intrapreneurs – quite a few real estate agents, fitness professionals, mortgage lenders, government contractors and others. Come April, it's like clockwork – we all start realizing how easy it is to lose sight of our yearly goals by the end of the first quarter. Life gets busy, we get caught up in the whirlwind of reactivity, and suddenly, those big dreams we had at the start of the year feel miles away.
As most of you know, tragedy struck on what would have otherwise been an ordinary night earlier this week in the heart of Baltimore. The Francis Scott Key Bridge, an iconic structure that spanned the Patapsco River, became the focal point of a devastating disaster that has shaken Baltimore and the region to its core. As I think about the events of that night, there’s a lot to unpack, from preparedness and the “why” behind a crisis to quick thinking and the human capacity for heroism in the face of adversity.
Happy Hump Day!
I don’t usually reach out to you on Wednesdays, and I wanted to share that Wednesday isn't just any ol' day – it's the linchpin of your week. Why?
As I’m sharing with my Leadership Circle this quarter, Wednesday isn't just the midpoint of the typical work week calendar. It's a golden opportunity for us to hit pause, reassess, and realign ourselves with what really matters – our weekly priorities.
Edwin was born in the small town of Steubenville, Ohio. His education started in Miss Randle’s kindergarten and was followed by Henry Orr’s seminary around the block. At 10, he entered George Buchanan’s nearby Latin school where he was called “an imperious and self-reliant young man.”
Edwin’s lifelong struggle with asthma might have contributed to his temper, but so could have the early death of his father and the deaths of his brother and two children.
And on the eve of achieving his life’s dream — nomination to the Supreme Court — Edwin Stanton’s chronic asthma caused his death in 1869.
As I sit here late at night in my parent’s family room, a few hours away from our home, thinking about you, it dawns on me that we’re often wrapped up with how leadership impacts us in the work world. But the reality is that it permeates every part of our lives – and especially our relationships with family and friends.
This weekend, the conversations with my parents are covering a myriad of topics, from advice on navigating parenthood with our newborn daughter to discussing strategies for managing their health.
Recently, Veronica and I took a trip to the beautiful Virginia countryside around Flint Hill, Virginia. As we took in the breathtaking, winter scenery of rolling hills, horses, cattle and more, we decided to stop for lunch at the inviting Dark Horse Irish Pub. Little did we know that our dining experience would include both delicious food and the unexpected wisdom of a heartfelt connection.
Upon entering the cozy pub, we were greeted incredibly warmly. Our waiter was a young man who attended to us graciously through our meal, and when he had to leave was replaced by an older waiter. The older waiter had a twinkle in his eye, as they say, and he immediately struck a chord with us. As our main meal switched to delicious desserts, he engaged us in some lively conversation and took a genuine interest in our newborn daughter in the stroller by our table. His genuine care and enthusiasm was really something.
In the challenging world of Hollywood, with a sea of scripts and opportunities, Reese knew what she wanted. Despite some early success and the offers of darker and more intense roles, she was drawn towards “optimistic” storylines that inspired and uplifted. She wanted to make a meaningful impact on her audience, especially girls and young women.
“I got a role in this movie called Freeway playing this really angry, aggressive, violent young woman who believed wholeheartedly in the truth,” Reese shared. “I had such satisfaction afterward, and I thought, that's what I want to do.”
Closing the Gap: Kareem’s Legacy and Your “Big 3” to Success
In the fast-paced world we live in, it's easy to get caught up in the whirlwind of daily tasks and lose sight of our priorities. If you’re anything like me, it happens when we think about the gaps between where we are and where we want to go, in business or in our personal lives.
Kareem dedicates much of his time now to empowering marginalized communities, reflected in his book "Writings on the Wall: Searching for a New Equality Beyond Black and White." He was asked once about his ability to prioritize amidst the glitz of a storied career.
Getting picked last isn't great. Brock would know…
As February rolls in, it's time for a reality check on our goals. How often have you lost sight of your aspirations by now, slipping from proactive to reactive mode? I know I have in the past. How do we stay focused in the chaos of a competitive, hyperconnected world? That's a heck of a ball game.
And when we lose sight of our goals – our big goals – we are picking ourselves last.