What's the Secret to an Everlasting Relationship?
J.P. Montalvan • March 19, 2023
“I can marry my dreams.”
-- Beyoncé Giselle Knowles-Carter
Photos courtesy of J.ebey
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What's the secret to an everlasting relationship?
I love Spring. If you’re anything like me, everything in the Earth seems to start waking up in Spring. In Spring, our world starts to grow again.
How would happen if Spring was a time that we
started to wake up and grow our relationships?
As a society, we don’t have a great track record in relationships. While there is no consolidated data on how many business partnerships fail within their first year, the figure ranges anywhere between 50% and 80%. A recent meta-analysis of 32 studies in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships sheds light on personal relationships — the authors of the new research noted that approximately “40% of marriages end in divorce.” Those are both high failure rates.
Why do relationships fail? And how can we grow great relationships? The journal authors shared what became clear in the meta-analysis.
Couples with unified goals had the most satisfying relationships,
while those with conflicting goals demonstrate the least satisfaction. Never mind those of us that don’t have clear relationship goals.
This month my Leadership Circle and I are diving into what I call a framework for an “EVERlasting Relationship”…
E - Empowered with a
V - Vision equals an
E - Everlasting
R - Relationship
Inspired by David Emerald’s “The Empowerment Dynamic,” we’re exploring the role that vision, accountability and training play in growing great relationships — and the consequences of lacking or losing them.
I’m no stranger to those consequences. Those of you that know me know that I’ve been through divorce and I’ve been through failed business partnerships. I’ve also had winning business partnerships and I’ve now been studying people who have great relationships for the last 2 years. What I’ve learned is that the same things that led to my failed marriages were the same things that happened when I failed in business partnership. When we failed, we didn’t really spend the time thinking about what we really wanted — we didn’t have a shared vision. When I failed, we weren’t really accountable to each other for pushing through the tough times and growing the vision we wanted. And when we failed, we didn’t keep learning and growing on how to have a great relationship.
“We have been together since I was 20 years old,” says singer, songwriter, businesswoman and activist Beyonce about her 20 year relationship with Jay-Z. “We took our time and developed an unbreakable friendship before we got married.” Sounds like they build a vision, right? In 2013, they became the world’s first billion dollar couple in the music industry through their business partnerships.
In a relationship, vision is everything.
It keeps you focused on what you really want and keeps you focused there when things get tough. Many partners and couples start their relationships without talking about a shared vision, much less agreeing to one. Maybe one person is thinking and moving in one direction, and the other isn’t. This can lead someone to embrace ideas and do different things than the other person. Differences in vision might also come up when you’re changing as a person, and we may end up changing in a different direction than our partner or significant other.
When we’re not accountable to each other, we may refuse to acknowledge how our actions are affecting the other person, insisting that they are the only one to blame for the relationship problems. We can become selfish. We can avoid conflict and disconnect when things get stressful or when we argue. That’s the opposite of what we need — with "healthy" conflict, we can identify a problem and break a pattern. With healthy conflict, we’re holding each other accountable to our shared vision for the relationship. “If everything was perfect, you would never learn and you would never grow,” Beyonce has said.
Finally, it’s impossible for two people to know everything about building a great business partnership or growing a great intimate relationship. When you neglect to hire professionals who can help you build and grow, you’re a lot more likely to make bad decisions. Bad decisions lead to bad relationships, and without expert advice, it’s harder to see your way through setbacks.
When I’ve spoken with the people who have great relationships in business and in life, they share stories about vision, accountability and training, and people in successful relationships leave clues on what’s key.
“Everybody asks me why I’m smiling from ear to ear. They say love hurts. But I know it’s gonna take the real work,” Beyonce shared. “Nothing’s perfect but it’s worth it, after fighting through my tears and finally, you put me first!” That’s accountability and training.
I hope you’ll join me in rethinking how we can grow lasting relationships this March. What better time than as we enjoy the first blooms of Spring.
Gad was 10 years old when he saw people going door to door, hauling out his neighbors, shooting them and burning down their homes.
Stephen was 7 years old when he was separated from his family, only to find out later that most of his family was murdered.
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As most of you know, tragedy struck on what would have otherwise been an ordinary night earlier this week in the heart of Baltimore. The Francis Scott Key Bridge, an iconic structure that spanned the Patapsco River, became the focal point of a devastating disaster that has shaken Baltimore and the region to its core. As I think about the events of that night, there’s a lot to unpack, from preparedness and the “why” behind a crisis to quick thinking and the human capacity for heroism in the face of adversity.
Happy Hump Day!
I don’t usually reach out to you on Wednesdays, and I wanted to share that Wednesday isn't just any ol' day – it's the linchpin of your week. Why?
As I’m sharing with my Leadership Circle this quarter, Wednesday isn't just the midpoint of the typical work week calendar. It's a golden opportunity for us to hit pause, reassess, and realign ourselves with what really matters – our weekly priorities.
Edwin was born in the small town of Steubenville, Ohio. His education started in Miss Randle’s kindergarten and was followed by Henry Orr’s seminary around the block. At 10, he entered George Buchanan’s nearby Latin school where he was called “an imperious and self-reliant young man.”
Edwin’s lifelong struggle with asthma might have contributed to his temper, but so could have the early death of his father and the deaths of his brother and two children.
And on the eve of achieving his life’s dream — nomination to the Supreme Court — Edwin Stanton’s chronic asthma caused his death in 1869.
As I sit here late at night in my parent’s family room, a few hours away from our home, thinking about you, it dawns on me that we’re often wrapped up with how leadership impacts us in the work world. But the reality is that it permeates every part of our lives – and especially our relationships with family and friends.
This weekend, the conversations with my parents are covering a myriad of topics, from advice on navigating parenthood with our newborn daughter to discussing strategies for managing their health.
Recently, Veronica and I took a trip to the beautiful Virginia countryside around Flint Hill, Virginia. As we took in the breathtaking, winter scenery of rolling hills, horses, cattle and more, we decided to stop for lunch at the inviting Dark Horse Irish Pub. Little did we know that our dining experience would include both delicious food and the unexpected wisdom of a heartfelt connection.
Upon entering the cozy pub, we were greeted incredibly warmly. Our waiter was a young man who attended to us graciously through our meal, and when he had to leave was replaced by an older waiter. The older waiter had a twinkle in his eye, as they say, and he immediately struck a chord with us. As our main meal switched to delicious desserts, he engaged us in some lively conversation and took a genuine interest in our newborn daughter in the stroller by our table. His genuine care and enthusiasm was really something.
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“I got a role in this movie called Freeway playing this really angry, aggressive, violent young woman who believed wholeheartedly in the truth,” Reese shared. “I had such satisfaction afterward, and I thought, that's what I want to do.”
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In the fast-paced world we live in, it's easy to get caught up in the whirlwind of daily tasks and lose sight of our priorities. If you’re anything like me, it happens when we think about the gaps between where we are and where we want to go, in business or in our personal lives.
Kareem dedicates much of his time now to empowering marginalized communities, reflected in his book "Writings on the Wall: Searching for a New Equality Beyond Black and White." He was asked once about his ability to prioritize amidst the glitz of a storied career.
Getting picked last isn't great. Brock would know…
As February rolls in, it's time for a reality check on our goals. How often have you lost sight of your aspirations by now, slipping from proactive to reactive mode? I know I have in the past. How do we stay focused in the chaos of a competitive, hyperconnected world? That's a heck of a ball game.
And when we lose sight of our goals – our big goals – we are picking ourselves last.