Mother's Day Deconstructed
J.P. Montalvan • June 12, 2022
"Modeling self-care to the adults, teens, and children in our life can be invaluable in encouraging them to engage in self-care too."
- Angelica Attard, Psy D. for Psychology Today
- Angelica Attard, Psy D. for Psychology Today
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We’re a week beyond Mother’s Day. As a father of 2 adopted sons and a coach, I’m seeing a very different side of Mother’s Day.
I spoke with so many moms over these last few weeks, and I’ve had several extraordinary conversations and heard so many incredible things like…
…”my son is the most important thing to me”…
…”my kids are the best thing I ever did”…
…”my kids are my everything”…
It’s not that I haven’t heard these things before. It’s not that the extraordinary things mothers have done and are doing are something new — mothers have been doing these things for years and years. It’s that I’m really listening to what’s being said and all the many feelings behind the words.
Joy. Guilt. Pride. Worry. Exhaustion. Love. Just to name a few.
We often talk about the sacrifices that mothers make in the things that they do and have done for us instead of the things that they might have done without children. And that’s true. Obviously, I'll never be able to fully appreciate what life is like as a mom. But I'm seeing another dimension.
The deepest sacrifice that many mothers make may be the sacrifice of self.
When I think about mothers talking about their kids being “the most important,” “my everything” and the “best thing,” what I’m understanding on a deeper level is the incredible investment a mother makes of self into the life of a child. Most moms absolutely invest time, money, energy and love. But what I’m now wondering about how many mothers are elevating their children above themselves.
Many mothers seem to make these sacrifices of self throughout their lives.
This type of sacrifice is incredible. We grow through the forces of nature and nurture, and the that’s the nurture part of the equation. A summary of studies on twins for Nature Genetics showed that human traits, personality and diseases are 49% influenced by nature and 51% accounted for by nurture — our upbringing.
I’m also wondering about the problems a mother faces in sacrificing her sense of self.
When we fly somewhere, before lift off, we’re reminded by our flight attendants that in the event of an emergency, the oxygen masks will drop. We should put the masks on ourselves first before putting it on our children. Why?
If it takes too much time to put the mask on our children, we can die from hypoxia. Bottom line: we need to help ourselves first so that we can help others.
It’s easy to forget about ourselves and our needs when we are caught up helping others. Caring for yourself, as psychologist Angelica Attard shares, is about “remembering to find the road back” to taking care of ourselves.
To effectively help others, Attard shares, “we have to serve ourselves first; otherwise, we will eventually run out of energy, capacity, and oxygen. Self-care can enable us to be our best self for ourselves and for others. Furthermore, modeling self-care to the adults, teens, and children in our life can be invaluable in encouraging them to engage in self-care too.”
As we deconstruct what Mother’s Day is all about, it should always be a celebration of how moms have helped us in our lives.
And to you who are mothers, I hope it will also be a reminder to put the oxygen masks on yourselves first and care for the “non Family” domains of your lives. Care for your Focus, Feelings, Fitness, Fun, Faith and Finances.
Mothers, what do you think? I'd love to hear from you. Above all, please take good care of yourselves every other day of the year — because we need you to be your best selves too!
See you inside the Groups!

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